A little bit pear shaped...

So a bit of background history to today’s story. I didn’t help my midwifery partner/backup yesterday in the end. She transferred to Waikato in an ambulance and handed over to the midwives there when they eventually had staff. They did not want me coming in to take over from her in order to decrease the risk of COVID. She had worked for 20 hours so was of course shattered. She then got her hubby to drive an hour from her house to pick her up. They didn’t collect her car from the local birthcentre as she was too tired to drive it.

This morning I woke to her ringing at 7.30am. “My woman’s in labour, I don’t have a car and she has no transport either”. After getting her to slow down and repeat herself while I clambered from bed trying not to wake my man up, I then discovered her client was on her second baby and was screaming so loudly birth looked imminent.

For some reason I chose putting mascara on over cleaning my teeth or changing my undies, then hubby threw coffee at me as I roared out of the house putting the address in my phone as I went. 23 mins away. Shit. Oh well not a lot you can do. My midwifery partner lives even further away, her poor hubby would drop her off at the birthcentre for her car and she would follow. I would get the woman to the birthcentre if there was time.

Plan in place. Gotta work right?

I arrive at the country house, gate shut. Shit, dog escapes. Shit! Decision made to sacrifice dog as I can hear this lady screaming from inside my car.

(Oh, I have her consent to share this story).

I put one of my newly donated masks on as I haven’t had time to screen for COVID and after introducing myself, (let’s call this woman Katie) in between contractions I ask what she would like to do as it looks like baby is coming. Her husband is in the cowshed, waiting for his dad to come from Hamilton to take over milking, her mum has already arrived to mind the toddler - she’s also finding me towels and opening up a black rubbish sack to serve as a tarp on the floor for me - She was very calm! Katie was calm in between - but found the screaming was really helping during a contraction - Wasn’t really helping me though. Turns out Katie under no uncertain terms did not want to have this baby at home. We were five minutes from the birthcentre.

So I did an exam on the lounge room floor to see if we would have time to get there. Baby happy, 9cm. Probably time. Ummmm possibly time! Shit.

Phoned my partner, she had just arrived at the centre. Did they have room for us? Yes - right we’re coming. Meet me outside.

So Katie has no transport, no time to wait for her hubby. You all know I’m thinking more than ‘Shit’ by now. No midwife ever wants to take a labouring woman in her own car. If those waters break in the car that’s a valet and a constant smell for yonks. And it goes EVERYWHERE! Let alone bloody COVID rules. Right, so black sack and a towel spread over the seat she kneels, leaning over the headrest, gripping like death on to the parcel tray. I hurf all my gear back into the boot and off we roar. At least the gate was still open.

One minute down the road Katie says she feels sick. Windows down then. No vomit bowl - all I can do is hope. I talk her through breathing but she says it’s better to scream. So I try to talk her through not pushing so her waters don’t break! After a few minutes of speeding, just as we are coming down the hill to the birthcentre I get stuck behind a dawdler. I contemplate beeping at them, then give myself a stern talking to - to chill out. Besides if she can’t hear the screaming siren that Katie is providing then a beep won’t help.

Then I can see this red saviour outside the doors grinning like a maniac. Yay my backup! We’ve made it without a baby in my car!

She said later the smile was because of how we looked. Katie in her dressing gown leaning over the back of the seat SCREAMING and me still in my mask waving happily out the window.

So at 8.35am I roar right up to the door, we get Katie out and start walking her inside, I take a moment to just put my hands on my knees and laugh maniacally. Then my phone rings....

“Hi it’s _______ I think I’m in labour”

So I ask “is it happening right now???” No - good - I’ll ring you back!

Back to Katie. Two minutes after kneeling on the bed her waters break. I can’t believe my luck. She has so much waters that it would have come out the car doors. Winning!

So that’s when we should have had a baby, we were expecting it a few minutes after that. But no. Baby was direct OP. Which to the non midwives means it’s head down, but looking forward instead of backward. Much harder to push out. So now we had some time to do our midwifery tricks that will usually turn a baby. Homeopathy, acupuncture, positional changes etc.

Then the dad turns up. Yay. That’s better for Katie. Although he’s forgotten the car seat.

My back up then tells me she has a new affirmation written on her fridge and is saying it pretty much hourly “Everything is working out for me, all the time”. I point out that this is because it is to the detriment of me! Katie is not even my client.

Then we realise we haven’t eaten, so phone for some yoghurt from the staff midwife as we aren’t supposed to go in and out of the room due to COVID. When it arrives one is strawberry, now I hate strawberry yoghurt. Turns out so does my partner, she snatched the good one and quotes her bloody affirmation at me. I flicked her the bird.

Then after 35 minutes of trying all our tricks it becomes apparent that we will need some help to get this baby out from the staff at the hospital. So we ring an ambulance to transfer as sometimes this takes up to an hour to arrive, then it’s a 30 minute trip.

Wouldn’t you know it, today it’s there in five minutes, we aren’t ready! So my backup jumps in the ambulance with Katie while I try to collect all our gear up and follow it in my car. Dad has to go home first to get the jolly car seat.

When I arrive at the hospital Katie is getting prepared to go to theatre for a ventouse delivery. As we are just about to wheel her off we can see a lot of baby’s head all of a sudden. Scratch that plan we are staying here, then we see baby’s eyes looking up at us, which means it is still backwards/posterior and is incredibly hard to push out - Katie you are a rockstar!

But... then we have an obstetric emergency as baby’s shoulders are stuck. A Shoulder Dystocia it’s called. A shoulder dystocia on a direct OP baby. This just keeps getting better 🙄. Tricky for manoeuvres. But actually all it required was my partner and I resetting the legs in McRoberts. I’m sorry I know this is using lingo a lot of you don’t get, but the midwives will!

So baby was born at 11.18. Dad turned up at 11.30 🙁. Possibly secretly pleased he had missed the drama. And he’s left the car seat in the car. As we were finally getting ready to leave at 2pm he brings it in so we can warm it up before putting baby in it. Turns out he’s grabbed the wrong one and it needs all the straps resetting. Another midwife bug bear - requiring more maniacal laughing from me.

While they are sorting that I go out to my car to put it back to rights and make room for my backup in the front seat. Carefully putting her coffee cup on the middle console for her.

As we both get to the car to leave the coffee gets bumped and it’s all through the back of my car.

Of course it is.

At the lights by the hospital we realise the local dairy (that makes coffee) is open. My backup leaps out of the moving vehicle and races across the road. Coffee is important, it’s 2 pm and we’ve had a yoghurt today. Her leap was worth it. By the time I swing back to get her she is outside waiting for it to be delivered, a man is sitting on the bench outside the dairy and won’t leave or adhere to the 2m rule. So the dairy owner is phoning the police to move him along. Another couple of guys who were waiting in line are bailing as it gets heated. But it’s ok, we got our coffees before doing the runner.

I phone my client - that was niggling - on the way back to the birthcentre (to get my partners car) to see where she’s at. All good - looks like we will have a while yet. WHEW!

Then I realise my partner is ringing the local saddlery to organise her horse feed. They are due to shut in five minutes and she’s getting them to wait for us. So I lose my shit. Amid tears of laughter I’m yelling that now I have to pick up her f**^#* horse food! This is gold. This is out of the realm of midwifery support. Hehehehe it hardly even fitted in my car! So the pic below I couldn’t resist taking.

I got home at 3.15. Stripper routine at the door, hubby just wordlessly went and raised the lid of the washing machine for my clothes. He’s catching on!

Today I have been exposed to probably 11 people directly. I have worn copious amounts of waters, blood, sweat and even some poo. Hand washing isn’t going to save me from COVID. It is impossible to be around a birthing woman and protect yourself. All I can do is try to protect my other clients from me.

I am now on call for both our caseloads for the weekend. We only have my woman left to labour for probably the next three weeks. But a lot of urgent postnatals to do. In the last 8 days we have had 9 births between us. We only take a small caseload but I think COVID is scaring these babies out early.

So lots of laughs had today. I’m still smiling and shaking my head when I think about it. But I also think I’m pretty shattered from all the adrenaline rushes. Fingers crossed for a nap now.

And to top it all off, today I was due for my haircut!